What's on the Menu?
by WhiteTea
Summary: When you’re an S-class criminal gang, and you're hungry, AND you kill your only chefs, just what do you do? A: Cook for yourself? B: Revert to Canabilism or C: the Common Criminal Answer? Kidnap another one!
1. Chapter 1

What's on the Menu?

By White*l_l*Tea

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, plots, ext. of Naruto I only do this for my nice, Guinea, who needed something to read over the summer. Don't sue…I have no money. Seriously I'm taking out loans.

At two o'clock Akatsuki stumbled out of their beds like zombies out of a crypt. The cause? Well, Pein had called an emergency meeting, which meant that something major was getting ready to go down.

Each duo groggily marched through sharp turns and straight hallways until they reached a gigantic cast iron door. It creaked loudly at the hinges as it opened to swallow them all up like flies. Settling into their proper places, they waited for further direction. Everyone had been forced to emerge from slumber. Since Akatsuki was an extremely well organized group there had never been any "emergency meeting" or improvisations. Everything was planned out, and left no room for argument. So,naturally, the S-class criminals had been racking their brains for possible reasons as to why they were here to begin with.

Itachi and Kisame had discussed the possibility of luring the nine tails out of Kohona by means of a Sasuke illusion. Yeah, it could work they thought.

Tobi had bounced around Deidara in small circles-way to close to Deidara's comfort- yammering about how the group might want to officially "initiate" him into their group. Deidara threw a clay explosive at him in hopes that it would shut him up.

It didn't.

Konan's adrenaline rush was sky rocketing to the roof. Finally her leader had decided that now was the time to take action and crush those hidden villages!

Zetsu quietly waited as he lurked in the shadows behind his team mates, calculating their every move.

Kakuzu was rubbing his hands together. Thinking that another large bounty had come up. If not he wouldn't be too sad about it. There was always Plan B-turn in a fellow akatsuki member for a million yen ransom. Right now he was thinking that Tobi would be the least unsuspecting. Tobi it is then!

Hidan pondered not even showing up to meeting. His God needed more sacrifices, enough said.

Pein got up to pace, surprising his subordinates with his un-Pein-like behavior.

The tension was so thick you could cut it with a kunai. Pein stood rigid and looked around at his subordinates with a stern expression.

He was so fed up that he thought about screwing everything! Screw taking over Konoha! Screw capturing all of the tailed beast. Screw tradition and protocal, let Tobi be in Akatsuki already! He didn't care anymore. Why you might ask? Because this issue was of the utmost importance! He had been keeping it low key, but he was at his wits end. Something had to be done!

Pein put his hands behind his back as he began to talk.

"I suppose that you are wondering why I have called this meeting?"

A round of murmurs mumbled the affirmative. Really, at two o'clock in the morning he wasn't going to get a more sensible response. Pein weighed his words wisely and proceeded.

"The objective of Akatsuki has always been to teach the trifling conceptions of world wars. many of you…most of you have seen the tragedies that are byproducts of wars such as the great ninja war which happened fairly recently. Because of our personal experience that is still our goal to this very day. However…"

The various pairs of eyes followed him around the room as he began to pace.

"…It has come to my attention that an obstacle, bigger than those pesky Kohona ninjas, has blocked our path to righting the wrongs of military governments and shameless shows of power play. This obstacle is more powerful than any of the seven tailed beasts that we have already captured thus far, and at first I had feared that it would be unattainable."

Surprise fluttered around the group at their leaders assertion of a possible uncertainty.

"But, it is not impossible at least…I hope."

There was a pause in the leader's words. However none of them wanted to voluntarily break it. Pein wasn't the leader for nothing. His name meant every bit of what it implied. And not even Hidan wanted to test that for his god.

"The high stakes mission that I will be sending you all on is S-class so before you depart make sure that you are well prepared. You must be alert at all times, and remain in the shadows to divert public attention. This mission will also require you to engage your intellect to it's highest IQ. That means you Tobi."

Tobi blinked, but you couldn't see it. Diedara doubted that Tobi had any intelligence at all. Baka!

"The objective of your S-class mission is…"

Zetsu clutched his roots into the ground ready to take off through the soil to complete this dangerous task. He had never heard the leader sound so serious before.

"…so imperitive to the well-being of you and your companions…"

Itachi and Kisame shared a look. Their teamwork was unparralled. They'd complete it with no complications whatsoever.

"… _that we cannot thrive without it…."_

Kakuzu could already hear the pitter patter of yen coins dropping into his bank account. _Tobi, ching-ching, Tobi, ching ching._

Tobi, was about to pee on himself from so much excitement. Deidara's mouths salivated with so much adrenaline rush that he had to collect some more clay to keep the slimy liquid from making him appear like a drooling dobe.

"We"

Hidan could hear the screams of pain like Beethoven's 5th symphony. Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum.

"Need"

Konan anticapated every possible option as her paper body crinkled and uncrinkled.

…..

…..

….

"A new chef for the kitchen."

******l_l******

"Tori!" There was no response.

The sun shined radiantly on a small strand of orange hair poking out underneath a pillow. The owner was smothered under the bright neon green sheets.

"_**Tori**_!"

"No, tes na tom." The body murmured as it shifted deeper into her cavern of sweet sleep abyss. "Slepy tim. Mo' sleepy tim."

"_Watikaru Tori, don't make me come up there! _

The incessant banging of pans could be heard from below, probably in a foolish attempt to wake her up. Her mother seriously needed to find a better hobby. Yare, yare, didn't she know that 14 hour naps were essential to the development of a growing girl's body?!?

Footsteps could be heard ascending the stairwell. Tori groaned. Last night she'd come in late from prepping her station at the kitchen, and a headache was plausible, possible, and inevitable. _**Especially, **_ if her mother was involved.

"_**Knock!Knock!Knock!"**_

"Huh?" The pillow rose up to make a tent above a head of messy orange and red threads. She looked around dumbfounded, and whipped the drool from her mouth and the sleep from her eyes.

Tori looked into her mother's reprimanding eyes and raised an eyebrow.

"What?" she croaked.

"_Get off your lazy arse , or you'll be late for work!" _Her mother screamed with her arms crossed over her chest.

Work? What work? She didn't even have a job! Ha, crazy senile old woman! With that Tori dumped her head back under the pillow and returned to the wondrous land of relaxation completely ignoring the intruder beside the bed.

Mrs. Watikaru counted the seconds in her head.

'three…two…one…'

Her mother watched in mild amusement as her daughter threw back the covers, jumped out of bed, and ran to the bathroom. Taking a shower had become a one minute marathon and dressing had become two. Afterwards she sprinted down the stairs before running right back up to quickly kiss her mother on the cheek before heading out the door to the best restaurant in town, the Ichiraku Ramen Bar. Otherwise known as work.

She hoped that she wasn't going to be late for work especially on promotion day too!

Today she was going to stick it to Kokara, and make sure that she never set foot in _**her-ahem **_**that**__restaurant ever again!

Oh yeah, she was going down!

Way down.

*****l_l*****

In the Ichiraku Ramen kitchen Kokara smiled wickedly as she tied the apron around her waist. Ho, ho, ho. Today was the day.

FOR REVENGE!

She had been waiting for this day for so long! Today was the day that she put Watakiru Tori in her rightful place. Right under her feet where she belonged. Oh, she was going down! Way down. Kokara went over to Tori's side of the kitchen and opened her fridge.

"Ah, the sweet smell of sabotage. Let's see how little Miss Perfect works when her entire kitchen wallows in chaos. Now where would that Wasabi be?" Kokara asked tapping her chin, and looking around the room pensively. Her dark purple hair swinging from its high pony tail.

Rummaging through the cabinets Kokara finally found a small vile of fresh wasabi not even moistened to spread, just completely dry. An evil grin spread across her small pink lips as she walked over the tea bags and cut little slits into the sides. She dumped the crushed green leaves into a small jar and inconspicuously placed it underneath the island in the middle of the kitchen. Next she took the dried wasabi and evenly measured out enough for each small tea packet. This was going to be good.

Finishing task number one Kokara skipped over to the oven on Tori's side rubbing her hands together mischievously. Kokara had an older brother who was a mechanic. Luckily, she had watched him as a young child and had learned a thing or two about…tinkering. She giggled.

Punch! Twist! Pop!

There went the first and second knob. Now all she had to do was reprogram the computer chip in the oven to read two hundred degrees lower than what the temperature actually was and PRESTO! Tori would be burning more dishes than a donkey in Hell's Kitchen! She loved being evil.

Now Kokara was never one to play dirty, but Tori had it coming! How many times had she been one up'd by the prissy princess?! Well today she would have the last laugh. Setting out the noodle fryers Kokara brought out a white powdery substance and exchanged it with the salt shakers that would be sprinkled to oil. She wondered how little miss perfection would be _**jellin'**_ later on!

Kokara looked at the clock. It was eight thirty. Crap! She only had thirty minutes until Tori arrived for work. Scrambling herself together Kokara put on her gameface and worked double time.

She had a sabotage to fulfill!

****l_l*****

The room was so silent that the crickets on Zetsu's epidermis were chirping a comical tune. Every single member of the infamous criminal organization looked at their leader as if he had decided to turn all of them in to their respective villages for ransom. Well everyone except for Kakuzu that had already been his primary plan. Tobi squealed with glee, and jumped up to pose in the middle of the circle. He clapped his hands and skipped around their leader.

"Tobi can cook! Tobi can cook! Tobi is a good boy! No Tobi is a good chef! A great chef! Tobi can-HUMPH."

Tobi rolled around on the floor trying desperately to get the huge piece of clay off of his mouth. Kisame turned to Deidara.

"If you didn't, I was going to. How do you deal with that hyperactive chipmunk is beyond my comprehension."

Deidara ignored his fellow comrades and focused on Pein. He spoke.

"You woke us up at two o'clock in the morning because we've just been assigned an S-rank mission that's "so larger than life"…and it's to go find a chef, hmm?" He growled.

Pein was silent for a moment and then turned around to gaze at his subordinate.

Mutlicolor pupils met grey ones.

….

….

….

"Or we could just let _**him**_ cook."

Pein pointed to Tobi, who had ran into the kitchen and was now sporting an apron and a chef hat.

After that suggestion there was only one response from the group.

"We'll go."


	2. Kitchen Throwdown

What's on the menu?

By White*l_l*Tea

Kitchen Throw down

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, plots, ext. of Naruto I only do this for my nice, Guinea, who needed something to read over the summer. Don't sue…I have no money. Seriously I'm taking out loans.

****l_l****

Groans, Complaints, and Curses could be heard throughout Akatsuki's hideout. Almost every single member had something to say about their newest "S-class" mission. Some amicably chatted while others chose a more hostile approach.

"I can't believe we're being sent out on some scavenger hunt for hired help." Kakuzu gumbled.

"We wouldn't be in this situation if _**somebody **_hadn't killed the last two cooks that we kidnapped!" Konan glared accusingly at Kakuzu.

Hidan tensed. He could feel the killing vibes coming off of his partner. Even though he could take dying over and over again, he was sure that Konan, however, could not.

"Well if _**somebody**_ would get off their lazy arse and cook like a good little girl then maybe we wouldn't have to be in this situation where _**somebody **_killed the last two cooks that _**somebody **_kidnapped!"

"Ugh! You're _impossible! _Did you know that? You're impossible! And what the hell do I look like you personal man-servant!? Why don't you cook, wench! Why don't you clean wench? Hey, Raggy-Ann here's a better question for ya. Why don't you dislodge your tongue from your mouth sew some string into it and have a freakin' puppet show! Damn! It's so aggravating listening to you talk all the time."

"Obviously," Hidan interrupted. "our meals have been…less than satisfactory, and I am not the only one to have noticed this. Yes, somebody killed our last two chefs, but if we're being fair-"

"We're akatsuki, Hidan, since when are we ever fair?" Konan sarcastically remarked.

"But if we're being fair," he grounded out through clench teeth. "the last two chefs made dishes that not even spartans would dare to touch. And _**that's**_ saying something. So I guess that it's a good thing that we're looking for a new chef, and a good one at that."

"Che, if Pein-O-sama wants a new chef why doesn't he just go get him himself. It's bad enough that we capture all of junchurriku. The least he could do is go out and 'commandeer' someone with decent enough cooking skills."

The blue haired siren cut her eyes at the menance to her left. How dare he even think that he has the audacity to even say their leader's name. She would punish him, later.

" Quit cuttin' ur eyes my way unless you want me to pluck them out for you, wench. I'm sure I could make a pretty penny off of em'.

Hidan stepped in between Konan and Kakuzu in case a fight broke out. To some Kakuzu's words might have been perceived as a mere warning, to someone who knew him better they were a death promise. They continued walking toward the exit as if the change in position never happened.

Hidan was happy that Konan seemed to be ignoring him. Seemed being the key word.

"Then again, you've had them stuck up the Leader's ass for a while now so I'm sure they ain't worth anything." Kakuzu replied.

Oh, well. There went the hope of not having a deathly confrontation.

'Could be worse.' HIdan thought to himself. 'I could have Tobi for a partner.' He shivered in fear. Tobi and partner didn't need to be in the same sentence, nonetheless his.

"Come say that to my face you gold diggin' rag doll!"

"What'd you call me, wench!?!"

Kakuzu stopped walking and turned fully to face the blue harpy.

"Oh, what? Are your ears losing their threads too, now? Or have they already fallen off? Oh, too bad then, maybe Cinderella can come help you sew it back on."

Kakuzu's sewed arm shot out and wrapped around her throat. Pushing her up against the wall, and lowered his mouth to the side of her ear he whispered maneacingly.

".."

Konan clawed at the threads connecting his 'flesh'. Her eyes narrowed.

"Har..d…to….te..st…wit…ou…any..brai…s- UGH!!!"

His grip tightened around her flesh and he could feel the air in her esophagus trying to weasel out of the small passage way that was slowly closing in on itself.

'Pity, she was kinda pretty.' Hidan thought. 'Whatever, better her than me. I didn't' plan on dying today that's scheduled for Thursday.'

Kakuzu watched thrilled as Konan's eyes rolled into the back of her head from suffocation. The light pink color of her lips was sickenly turning into a nice fushia…then a blue..next purple…and then…

"Kakuzu-san. Would you obligingly remove your person from Konan-san."

The tone of Itachi's voice said it all. This was a command. Not a request, and most definitely not a question.

Seconds seemed like minutes as Itachi wondered if Kakuzu would head his words. Above all else the uchiha prodigy hated dealing with his other comrades, especially this one, whose only motivation was his greed. Did he not know that Greed was a deadly sin? Indeed he was a fool. It was of no matter though. Death would be come soon and quick for his frail mind, and Itachi could honestly say that he would not miss him.

Finally, Kakuzu loosened his grip and turned to walk past red eyed nuisance. No words were imparted between them.

"Let's go Hidan."

Itachi watched the duo head into the clearing until they were a small speck in the distance.

A hackle of coughs reverberated throughout the halls. He turned to see Konan on her hands and knees gasping for what little air her strained lungs could his head lightly he followed the duo into the clearing, and waited for Kisame-kun.

****l_l****

"Oi! Kisame no dono."

"Hmm?" The neutral shark nin stopped and turned around. Chuckling softly, Kisame saw that it was the clay kid again. While a little on the aggressive side Kisame had found the ex rock nin to be a little on the rookie side, and not completely a convert. He had tried to spare the 'chunin' from Itachi's forced conversion, but unfortunately his plans were thwarted. He had miscalculated just how determined Itachi was going to be. Kisame had to say that he did feel a little sorry for Deidara. At least the majority of the group's decision to join was voluntary. This fella on the other and hadn't had a say in the matter. It was join or die. Geez which one to pick I wonder.

"Hai, Deidara-kun"? Kisame replied in a warm greeting. His shark grin showing off chompers that not even a hammerhead would want to tackle. It was after all the least he could do.

"Why are we all being ordered to bring back a chef when we only need one"?

Holding back laughter, Kisame's shoulders shook. It was unbelievable how sometimes this one could be so ignorant. No, take that back, it really wasn't.

"Ah, I forget that you weren't here when we picked out our first one. Come on, I'll brief you on the way out."

"Hai."

The two started walking out toward the west side exit. Deidara turned his head to the side and looked up expectantly at Kisame like a small child waiting on a lollipop.

"Besides the occasional fight with our adversaries, capturing tailed beasts, and planning missions, things around here can get a little…"

Kisame hesitated to search for the right word.

"Tedious?" The clay nin supplied.

"Iie. Not tedious. Demo-"

"Dull."

"uh-uh." Kisame shook his head negatively.

"Lackluster?"

"Not exactly."

"monotonous?"

"Uhh.." Kisame had absolutely no damn clue what that word meant.

Sighing he gave up on trying to sugar coat it.

"Bored. We get bored, alright. Anyway, where was I…ah yes. Since we aren't a part of civil society and our faces are on every wanted poster on the continent. We must find other ways to amuse ourselves, ne."

"Like?"

"The last time we needed a chef every member kidnap-er…brought back a chef that they thought would cook up to our standards."

"Standards?"

Kisame looked nervously around.

"Hai standards."

"….you live in an underground maze of catacombs…"

"Mmmm hmmm." Kisame nodded.

"you wear the same shit everyday…."

"Demo-"

"…and now I'm supposed to believe that this group actually has standards, expectations to hold up?"

Looking around the very same hallways that were being insulted the clay artist did have point.

"Do you want to hear the reasoning or not?"

Deidara nodded.

"After every member returned we proposed a challenge to the featured chefs…a game if you will. Every cook is given a chance to prepare one meal for the group. The catch is that they are put into pairs. Each pair goes against another pair for a cooking contest. We taste-test the food, and whichever we find dissatisfactory…"

"Kicks the bucket?"

Kisame chuckled.

"We've done worse. But, yes, the team with the better food gets to live to be detained for another day. The not so lucky team 'kicks the bucket'.

Kisame tilted his head. "Speaking of which…where is your hyperactive chipmunk?"

Deidara stopped walking to glare at the elder akatsuki before turning around to go pick up the little trash heap and go fetch a chef.

The ex-rock nin scowled as he heard Kisame's laughter bouncing off the walls.

Damn, the leader for making Akatsuki work in pairs. Couldn't he just go solo, like Zetsu? Deidara shivered. No. Bad thought.

****l_l****

"But,but,but,Tobi CAN cook! He can, he can he can! Please let Tobi prove this too you."

The swirled masked nin protested heatedly. He could not believe that his leader did not want to test his culinary skills.

"Leader-sama doesn't need another chef."

Pein sighed heavily before responding.

"And why not Tobi?" he asked boredly.

"Because Tobi can cook! Tobi wants to cook."

Pein wanted Zetsu to eat him alive because at this point anything was better than being stuck with Tobi and his incessant whining. Did the naïve underling really think that all this whining was going to convince him to let him touch a skillet with a 39 and ½ foot pole?

".Lea-der…."

Damn it all to hell. Why didn't they just kill this idiot when he first arrived? He doubted that he was even exiled out of his own village. The bastards probably got rid of him on purpose. He could just imagine the ninja villages laughing at his expense.

Looking around Pein noted that Tobi had…disappeared. Blessing his luck, he returned to going over some maps and future missions.

It was only thirty minutes later that a whiff hit Pein's nose. The succulent scent of something that smelled like a…sniff-sniff…a tuna roll? Looking around his desk, he found at the corner a plate of well crafted cut sushi rolls in the shape of a smiley face. Must've been where Tobi had…disappeared to.

Peini pulled the plate closer to him, and examined the contents carefully. He checked the object warily for any hidden jutsus that might come back to kick him in the butt. Finding none he poked and prodded each individual roll.

"I guess one bite couldn't one bite."

Picking up the sushi roll on the top, Pein popped it into his mouth and set about finishing the fifty million yen ransom note that he was writing.

_To a Grieving Father, _

_If you want your daughter baACKKK!!!!!!!!_

Eyes widening at the wiggling in his neck, the leader hit the desk repeatedly with one hand and clawed at his throat with the other.

Something was definitely NOT supposed to be there. ALIVE.

He hacked and coughed for another five minutes before he vomited on top of the ransom. Closing his eyes, he gave himself a moment to catch his breath. Looking back onto his death his face turned green at the sight of a small fish with sharp teeth flopping for life on his desk.

"TOBI!!!! Ahhh!!! Where the hell did you come from!?!"

Tobi popped up right next to his leader.

"Did you like your sushi!"

Breathing hard out of his nostrils like an angry dragon, Pein pointed accusingly at the flopping fish.

"Where did you get that fish!?! And why didn't you kill it before feeding it to me."

Tobi looked at the fish and then his leader.

.Fish. .Leader.

"Ohhhhhhh, did leader-sama not like our special for the day?"

"No! Tobi I did not why didn't you kill the tuna before feeding it to me!?!?"

Tobi looked confused.

"Hmm?"

"I said why didn't you kill the tuna before feeding it to me!?!?"

"B-but Leader-sama that's not tuna…"

Pein stared wide eyed at the still flopping fish.

"…it's a poisonous piranha from Kisama-san's fish tank. Do you he'll notice it's missing."

Pein didn't have time to be mad, he dashed to their healer and hoped to high heaven that he'd be alive enough to kill Tobi later."

5


End file.
